I Know That I'll Cry When I Go..
Updated: Apr 15, 2018
At 3:03 am on October 23 2017, I wrote myself a list. A list of everything that I hated about myself. A lot of things race through a persons head as they lay in bed at 3am, I can credit some of my craziest moments to those early hours of the day. In this particular moment I decided to tear myself from limb to limb and make notes of the massacre. I read what I had wrote only a few hours later, and the person I had described was definitely myself but it was someone who I had become not who I was and that is what I hated. These past two years I taught myself how to hate, and specifically how to hate myself. I can chalk this up to a lot, millions of people know what its like to hate who you are even if you just slip into the feeling for a moment. You are your own worst critic.
Now hate is a strong word, I've been told that since I can remember and I'd like to think of myself as an advocate for self love. But the path that I had picked for myself just two short years ago, set me down the road of self destruction. I was on a solo mission to fix myself before anyone could notice how fucked up I was. There were times where something slipped through the cracks, but still I persisted on thinking this is something only I can piece back together perfectly. Perfect is also a very strong word, and unachievable barrier.
Starting school in September of 2016 may have been one of the worst decisions I've made in life thus far, however a necessary one. Wilfrid Laurier university was an inevitable step that I assume I was destine to take. Although long and drawn out it made me realize that I am not meant to be where I am and the future I was setting for myself wasn't right. Just an overly complicated wrong place, wrong time situation that went on two years too long. I had isolated the source of my unhappiness.
Deciding to leave a path which is put together so seamlessly is almost impossible. 'What if' plays itself into decisions a lot, especially one as big as I was going to make. An undecisive 19 year-old is also not the best person to throw this task onto. I didn't know what I was supposed to do, stuck at a cross road. One leading to a miserable struggle through the next minimum three years in school to get a pice of paper that I wasnt sure would take me anywhere. Or wandering aimlessly down a new path, untouched, with no direction provided and all on my own. I admit that I was scared and extremely reliant on others opinions. However, reguardless of anyones advising I realized that the only person who would be living with the decisions I made would be me. So I made a change, and I left.
I am no longer the girl who tore herself to shreds in the early hours of an October morning. Im able to look at my mistakes and instead of hate myself for them, I understand why they needed to happen. Trust your heart is probably the best advice I could give someone after all that I've put myself through. As stupid as it may be if you know that its something you want to do then go do it, it makes life a much smoother ride. The 3% is a small group of people who continuously made an effort to persued what they loved, you can make a career out of anything you put your heart into. It took me too long to deem myself strong enough to break the mould of the 21st century and pursue what will make me the most content in life. Im here now and thats all that matters.
I am an introvert when it comes to emotion, a people pleaser rather than a deal with my own shit kind of person. I constatly take others issues on just so I don't have to talk about or deal with my own. I don't like burdening people with the stupid things I have going on in my personal life. I was lost, I was scared, and the last thing I knew was that I couldn't go through this alone. Now I know its ok, to not be ok.
There are some specific people that I would like to say thank you to, even if they didn't realize that they helped me become me again.
My parents, thank you, for the unconditional support. Just simply understanding, and telling me everything would be ok. For the endless motivation to do anything I choose to throw myself into. Changing your disappointment into faith for what I decided I needed to do. And for making me the incredible person I am proud to be today. Im sorry I didn't tell you I wasn't happy.
My roommates, thank you, for the home away from home. For all the tummy cramping laughs and the memories I will have forever. The friendship that is more like a sisterhood. Approaching everything with open hearts, and understanding why I need to go. Im sorry for leaving you.
The entrepreneurs in my life, thank you, for showing me that the only thing stoping you from doing what you love is you, that success is anything you throw your heart into. For doing it before I found the courage to and proving to me that it is possible. Im sorry it wasn't this obvious earlier.
Chris Bunting, thank you, for being there without question or judgement. Giving me new perspective to things, and allowing me to throw all my heavy shit on you. Letting me into your life, and needing me as much as I needed you. Thank you for being a friend. Seeing my full potential even when I couldn't, and pushing me there. Believing in me especially when I didn't believe in myself. Im sorry that I gave you the pressure of being the only person who knew I wasn't ok.
Sarah Mcginnis, thank you, for showing me how great you can be when you take your time. Showing me that stepping off the path isn't as scary as it looks. Taking the time to find yourself, because without you leading the way I never would have followed. Sorry I wasn't ready enough to do it with you.
Dagmar Adamson, thank you, for reminding me Im not alone, and how important happiness is. Ensuring that these feelings were normal, and talking me out of the pit I had put myself in. Sorry I didn't follow your wise words sooner.
Chelsey Devito, thank you, for acceptance without question, and proving to me that I wasnt quitting but just changing course. And ensuring me you would be there every step of the way. Sorry you were the last to know.
I know that I will cry when I go, but this isn't 'goodbye' it's 'see you soon'. Its hard to realize you're broken, I was lost and confused as to what I was supposed to feel. I was sad, with the feeling of being lost and all the confusion I was facing. So, who wouldn't cry when you have to say goodbye to the people you spent the two hardest years of your life with. Im sad about a lot, leaving being one of them and staying being another. Instead of being scared of losing people in order to find myself, I can accept that with reward there also may be consequence. Who knows what is to come next, as long as it brings me back to me.
To everyone mentioned or who are special to me I love all of you so intensely, I never knew that kind of love could exist. You all make me so incredibly happy without knowing you do. Even if these feelings are news to you I can tell you confidently that you all were able to help me in a very special way, even if that meant you were just being you. Thank you for everything.
Heres a video, dedicated to all the amazing people I was able to meet these past two years.