So the sadness that was with me throughout my last entry has definitely turned to fear. I mean, fair enough I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going, and jumping in head first alone makes it even worse. This is scary. I'm scared, and I can admit that. Going from letting no one know that I was sad to letting everyone know is a very hard thing to do. Not that I need a prize or anything but the reaction I received from my audience was the one I needed and I thank you all for that. Even just the ones who took the time to read what I wrote, it really does mean the world to me. So on we go to my next emotion, from sadness to fear. Exciting, I know.
Sadness and being scared shitless are both not best feelings in the world, but at least I'm getting somewhere new. In fairness though, who wouldn't be? So, where will I go and what will I do? These questions are packed so tightly inside my head it sometimes feels like its going to explode. I know they will be answered but I couldn't tell you when or how.
I know that I ramble on about seemingly unimportant things, so thank you for listening. I started this blog because I wanted to show people that its okay to fuck up every once in a while. Allowing others to learn from my mistakes as well as my successes is a lot, but I'm pushing myself to put everything out there, proving to others and myself that its okay to not know what the next step should be. I want to make one thing clear: I am NOT telling people to drop out. In fact, please don't drop out. If that was the message you were getting from my last post then I'm sorry. I'm here to promoted 'the happy': the happiness you should fulfill in your journey to wherever you're trying to go. I'm asking you to make a noticeable consideration for the importance of happiness because sometimes that can easily be forgotten.
If you are at all unsure of what your mind and heart are telling you to do, where to go, or what step to take next to move forward, then I suggest you take the Myers-Briggs personality test.
You may have heard its name before, but the Myers-Briggs personality test is basically a questionnaire which will tell you your personality type, and breakdown how you interact with others and your style of work ethic. This way, you can find what jobs work best for you and how to set yourself up for a future and career which can benefit you the most. This test was able to show me how different two people can be.
Chris, the person who basically carried me through these past two school years, sat with me while I wrote my test. I read out the questions and answers and each time we answered differently, there were very few we agreed on. I knew that we each had our own way of dealing with things but this made it so much more clear. It was very funny to me that two people who get along so easily and someone I rely on so heavily can be, and I mean this, polar opposites.
The basis of this example is that no matter how much you think you may be in the same situation as me, or how much you may think you are like another person, you are not. You need to understand that everyones 'happy' is extremely different, and the way that you get there will also be different. With this I mean simply that even though you may feel that the path I chose for myself is also the one you need to take, I beg you to take the time that I took to reflect. Reflect on yourself and understand that no matter how similar your struggles seem to be with another's, there can always be a different path for you. The one I chose was long, drawn out and very expensive, and I think my parents can agree with that. But as sincerely as I can put this, 'to each their own' has never had so much meaning to me until now.
A little while ago, I found this theory to a happier life geared to a certain personality type. If you want to read up on that, you can look at the post 'you. me. we.' Lucky enough for me, it was geared towards my personality type almost specifically. However, that doesn't mean that the ideas which they presented aren't beneficial to everyone. Living a healthy life is extremely important to me now, not only physically but mentally, and these are now some goals for the road ahead. Goal setting isn't really my strong point, not my 'thing', if it could be considered a 'thing'. But I think following through is the best way to start, and I mean I guess I followed through with dropping out so I'm considering that to be a pretty good stepping stone.
It's hard to take a step back sometimes and look at the big picture. Imagining the road you're about to go down and whether or not the choices you've made or are making were or are the right ones. Tossing away the day-to-day bullshit and trying not to sweat the little things is almost impossible, I know this, and as contradicting as I can be sometimes the little things are the most important as well. Assess, assess, assess your situation and decide then what you should be worrying about. The majority of the time I would advise you to stick to the rule that if it doesn't matter in five years, then don't spend more than five minutes worrying about it. Obviously dropping out will potentially matter five years from now so I spent almost a year thinking about that one.
The big picture sometimes is too big for anyone to imagine and the worst part is that its scary. I see dropping out as a positive thing for me to do but it was a hard thing to imagine on a bigger scale. Yes, it was necessary for the big picture, but ignoring the fear around this 'small' step I needed to take was almost impossible. Maybe all this sadness and fear is what needs to happen before I get my 'happy', but I am confident that I can get there. This is my first longterm goal for the year ahead and I invite you to hold me to it.
If you want to look into taking the Myers-Briggs test online I will link it below. I did pay around $50 to take the test (well, my mom payed) but if you don't want to drop that much, there are other ways to get assessed. Don't quote me on this, but I think schools usually have a career centre where they can give you this test or even one similar, although I would ask your academic advisor or even check your school website for specifics.
The test link: https://www.mbtionline.com
Go find your happy.